A lot can happen in a couple months. Even when nothing happens. I guess nothing happens on the outside but a lot happens on the inside. I don't know. What am I even talking about?
My last post was all like, I understand myself. And, I feel better because I know why I feel bad, and that means I can get better. But just because you know yourself and you know why you are a certain way, it doesn't mean it is easy to change. After a few weeks, it seemed to make things worse. Or, not worse. But sadder. I don't know. I feel fine at the moment, so it is hard to remember what I feel like when I don't feel fine. Like it's just easier to ignore those times, even though 'those times' make up most of my times lately.
Okay, so what is my point here? I wanted to write about this book. I read it a couple years ago, and I liked it then but not as much as the second time I read it recently. This time, I liked it a whole bunch. So much that I will say, at the moment, it is one of my favorite books. I think I liked it more this time because I could relate to it more now. Back when I first read it, I was not in the state of depression I am in now/have been for a couple years. Here is the book: The Program, by Suzanne Young. Warning: there are spoilers in this post.
The basic premise of this book is like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but the Program in the book is for teens and they are forced into it. The Program is for depressed kids, and all the events that make them depressed are erased from their memories. The reason for all of this is because teen suicide has become an epidemic and, goddammit!, that just will not do. The only way to fix it is to ignore the problem, right? Sounds like a pretty accurate metaphor for how people view mental health problems in real life.
That metaphor is mainly how I viewed it the first time I read it. But the second time around, there was the added layer of being able to relate on a more non-metaphorical level. The second time, I actually found this book really hard to get through. And when it was over, I felt completely devastated. I really love how books can do that to you. Make you feel something so intense. Yes, even when that feel is something so soul crushing. Just reading the emotions of the characters as they are struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies...it was relatable. And sad.
I won't go any further into that, but there was one part in particular that I wanted to mention. And something I've thought about quite often. There is a part in one paragraph that I feel I can relate to specifically. (It's on page 398 for those of you following along.) "I'm saying goodbye to who I used to be. Who I can never really be again. The people I once knew are different."
After I got over the majorly suicidal part of my depression, this is exactly how I felt. I felt that I had gone through something so devastating and life changing that, when I came out of it, I was not the same person as I was before. (This is actually another issue I have - trying to figure out who I am anymore. Something that some characters in the book also have to deal with.) I felt like I could never be that person again. I felt that most of the people I knew before were not the same people anymore. Not because they had changed, but because I had changed. I went through that major depression and pretty much very suicidal time in my life in isolation. I didn't talk to many people and I saw even fewer people in person. I know it is dumb to think that anyone should have known what I was going through, considering I never reached out to anyone. And, actually apparently lied to people about how I was doing. But at the time, I felt that people didn't care about me. As though they had any idea!
Well anyway, regardless, the fact of the matter is that only a few people went through that time with me. And since most people didn't go through it with me, they couldn't see how it affected me. They couldn't see how it changed me. I imagine most people still think I am the same person they knew a year ago. But I'm not. I mean, fundamentally, my core and my morals, etc. are the same, but I am not the same. Like I said, I am still trying to figure that part out. I am trying to be like the main character in the book. She didn't know who she was anymore, so she realized she had to let that old person go and be her own new person, whatever that meant. It's really hard, but I am trying to do the same thing.
So how do you figure it out? How do you give up who you were and become who you are? It's like being tied to the middle of the rope in tug of war. My self wants to be both people, so I can't pick a side. In the meantime I just get pulled from both directions, but stay stuck in the middle, unable to be anything. I can stay here and eventually get pulled apart or I can go in the right direction. So, how do you choose? In tug of war, it's down to whichever side has the strongest pull. But, stuck in the middle, I don't feel pull from either direction. So like I said, I just stay here and think about being someone but never taking action. I know I need to. But even though it's sadder, it's much easier staying stuck and being no one.
My last post was all like, I understand myself. And, I feel better because I know why I feel bad, and that means I can get better. But just because you know yourself and you know why you are a certain way, it doesn't mean it is easy to change. After a few weeks, it seemed to make things worse. Or, not worse. But sadder. I don't know. I feel fine at the moment, so it is hard to remember what I feel like when I don't feel fine. Like it's just easier to ignore those times, even though 'those times' make up most of my times lately.
Okay, so what is my point here? I wanted to write about this book. I read it a couple years ago, and I liked it then but not as much as the second time I read it recently. This time, I liked it a whole bunch. So much that I will say, at the moment, it is one of my favorite books. I think I liked it more this time because I could relate to it more now. Back when I first read it, I was not in the state of depression I am in now/have been for a couple years. Here is the book: The Program, by Suzanne Young. Warning: there are spoilers in this post.The basic premise of this book is like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but the Program in the book is for teens and they are forced into it. The Program is for depressed kids, and all the events that make them depressed are erased from their memories. The reason for all of this is because teen suicide has become an epidemic and, goddammit!, that just will not do. The only way to fix it is to ignore the problem, right? Sounds like a pretty accurate metaphor for how people view mental health problems in real life.
That metaphor is mainly how I viewed it the first time I read it. But the second time around, there was the added layer of being able to relate on a more non-metaphorical level. The second time, I actually found this book really hard to get through. And when it was over, I felt completely devastated. I really love how books can do that to you. Make you feel something so intense. Yes, even when that feel is something so soul crushing. Just reading the emotions of the characters as they are struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies...it was relatable. And sad.
I won't go any further into that, but there was one part in particular that I wanted to mention. And something I've thought about quite often. There is a part in one paragraph that I feel I can relate to specifically. (It's on page 398 for those of you following along.) "I'm saying goodbye to who I used to be. Who I can never really be again. The people I once knew are different."
After I got over the majorly suicidal part of my depression, this is exactly how I felt. I felt that I had gone through something so devastating and life changing that, when I came out of it, I was not the same person as I was before. (This is actually another issue I have - trying to figure out who I am anymore. Something that some characters in the book also have to deal with.) I felt like I could never be that person again. I felt that most of the people I knew before were not the same people anymore. Not because they had changed, but because I had changed. I went through that major depression and pretty much very suicidal time in my life in isolation. I didn't talk to many people and I saw even fewer people in person. I know it is dumb to think that anyone should have known what I was going through, considering I never reached out to anyone. And, actually apparently lied to people about how I was doing. But at the time, I felt that people didn't care about me. As though they had any idea!
Well anyway, regardless, the fact of the matter is that only a few people went through that time with me. And since most people didn't go through it with me, they couldn't see how it affected me. They couldn't see how it changed me. I imagine most people still think I am the same person they knew a year ago. But I'm not. I mean, fundamentally, my core and my morals, etc. are the same, but I am not the same. Like I said, I am still trying to figure that part out. I am trying to be like the main character in the book. She didn't know who she was anymore, so she realized she had to let that old person go and be her own new person, whatever that meant. It's really hard, but I am trying to do the same thing.
So how do you figure it out? How do you give up who you were and become who you are? It's like being tied to the middle of the rope in tug of war. My self wants to be both people, so I can't pick a side. In the meantime I just get pulled from both directions, but stay stuck in the middle, unable to be anything. I can stay here and eventually get pulled apart or I can go in the right direction. So, how do you choose? In tug of war, it's down to whichever side has the strongest pull. But, stuck in the middle, I don't feel pull from either direction. So like I said, I just stay here and think about being someone but never taking action. I know I need to. But even though it's sadder, it's much easier staying stuck and being no one.
